CONJUGAL RIGHTS

Conjugal Rights

Marriage is considered as a most sacred ceremony. Parties to marriage carry loads of hopes and dreams relating to their life after marriage and their happiness. But many times things don’t work out as thought and thus parties find disagreements and quarrels between them.

Conjugal Rights necessities both marriage parties to live together and cohabit

live together  

If two people live together, they share a house and have a sexual relationship, they are called living together

Right to stay together

Stay together –  be loyal to one another, especially in times of trouble   

sexual relation

sexual relation – the act of sexual procreation between a man and a woman; the man’s penis is inserted into the woman’s vagina and excited until orgasm and ejaculation occur  

Cohabit

If two people, especially a man and woman who are not married, cohabit, they live together and have a sexual relationship;

Abandon

Definition

In marriage, abandonment is grounds for divorce in most states, Grounds arise when one spouse physically leaves the other with no intent on returning. Usually, the minimum time allowed  to claim abandonment is one year.

Martial misconduct The following may be considered as behavior constituting martial misconduct  :          

  • Adultery  
  • Addiction (drugs, alcohol, etc.)  
  • Domestic Violence
  • Cruel and/ or Inhuman Treatment
  • Economic Fault

Definition provided by Smartdivorce.com

Adultry

sex between a married person and someone who is not that person’s wife or husband

Addiction

Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance (s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life.  They keep using alcohol or a drug even when they know it will cause problems.

Definition of Domestic Violence : Types of Abuse  

According to the United States Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women, the definition of domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner. Many types of abuse are included in the definition of domestic violence;

  • Physical abuse can include hitting,  biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. (any type of violent behavior inflicted on the  victim). Physical abuse also includes denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/ alcohol use on someone.
  • Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces or attempts to coerce the victim into having sexual contract or sexual behavior without the victim’s consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical  violence that is followed by forcing sex, sexually demeaning the victim, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim’s expense.     
  • Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the  victim’s sense of self-worth and/ or self-esteem. Emotional abuse often takes the form of constant criticism, name-calling, injuring the victim’s relationship with his/her  children, or interfering with the victim’s abilities.
  • Economic abuse takes place when theabuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant.  Economic abusers  often seek to maintain total  control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim  from going to school or work.
  • Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation; threatening to physically hurt himself/ herself, the victim, children, the victim’s family or friends, or the pets, destruction of property; injuring the pets; isolating the victim from loved ones; and prohibiting the victim from going to  school or work.         
  • Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.
  • Stalking can include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim’s home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making  phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person’s home or workplace. These acts individually are typically legal, but any of these behaviors done continuously results in a  stalking crime.
  • Cyber-stalking refers to online action or repeated emailing that inflicts substantial emotional distress in the recipient.    

Definition of Domestic Violence : Victims

 Definitions of domestic violence recognize that victims can include anyone, regardless of socio-economic background, education level,  race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender.  Domestic violence was formerly referred to as wife abuse. However, this term was abandoned  when the definition of domestic violence was changed to reflect that wives are not the  only ones who can fall victim to domestic violence. The definition of domestic violence now recognizes that victims can be; 

  • Spouses
  • Sexual/ Dating/ Intimate partners
  • Family members
  • Children
  • Cohabitants

Many people think that a victim of domestic violence can only obtain a protective order against their spouse. This is actually a myth. Most States allow victims of abusive cohabitant lovers to obtain protective orders (also referred to as temporary restraining orders or emergency protective orders). Some States allow victims of abusive adult relatives, roommates, or even non-cohabitating partners to obtain protective orders. The laws in each State are different, so check the most updated laws in your State.

Cruel and inhuman treatment

In divorce law, cruel and inhuman treatment can refer to either physical  or mental cruelty.  In order to constitute grounds for a divorce, for divorce, the treatment must have such a serious effect on the physical  or mental health of the divorce-seeking spouse, that it is not safe or proper  for the parties to continue  to live together. There are no defenses to cruel and inhumane treatment, such as forgiveness or justification.

The precise definition depends on the facts in each case, but some examples, among others, of acts found to be cruel and inhuman treatment include :  

  • Physical attacks upon a spouse
  • Constant screaming, profanity or other verbal abuse  
  • Publicly flaunting a relationship with another man or woman
  • Intentional refusal by a spouse to have sexual relations that  physically effects the other spouse

To determine whether the acts amount to cruelty as a grounds for a divorce, the court will consider whether the acts of cruelty were isolated. If the acts were few and far between, the court is less likely to grant a cruelty-based divorce. Second, the court will determine if the acts were so extreme that they endangered the health of the innocent spouse. Mere rudeness is insufficient to be awarded a fault-based divorce.  In order to be awarded the divorce grounded on physical cruelty, the innocent spouse usually must corroborate his or her testimony of cruelty and must show a connection between the cruel acts and the breakdown of the marriage.

Economic fault

Economic fault can be a great factor in a divorce. There are numerous  instances of where economic fault can impact a divorce. Generally speaking, economic fault is the dissipation of assets, including wasting marital property through acts including excessive borrowing, gambling, extravagant spending, and more. If one party was found to manipulate the family’s financial situation because of the impending divorce or otherwise, the court may act in favor of the other party. Just because one person spent all of their money so they didn’t have to pay child support or alimony doesn’t mean they shouldn’t.  In some cases, the award to the other party had been greater than what would have normally been given.  

Economic abuse means neglecting to maintain the wife, not giving her money for her maintenance, throwing her out of the house and not providing any shelter or maintenance, not returning her dowry, stridhan or jewellery etc.

When I wrote a blog post called “8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me” I got a lot of great feedback from it and it was viewed over 300,000 times on the first day alone.  But one question I kept hearing afterward was. “ Could you write one for women and explain to me why my husband won’t have sex with me?”

Sure,  Sounds easy.        

Right ?

I asked a few friends for answers, and most of us just scratched our heads. Men who don’t want to have sex? Overwhelmingly, we heard this was the case and women wanted answers.

Now, I don’t speak from experience on this one. I am always up for sex, so I looked for thoughts on this topic from some friends, including Dave Wilson,  Adam Palmer,  Shaunti Feldhahn, Dave Willis and Jon Kitna.  

Just like my first post, this is not a definitive list by any means; I’m  putting  it out there to hopefully encourage you talk about this stuff  with  your spouse.  If you can be honest and open with your spouse about  your sex life, you can often get to the bottom of this without even  reading  this blog.  If you don’t know how to talk to each other, enlist a counselor to help you learn how to communicate. 

Before I hit the list, let me offer a couple of statistics.   

A recent survey of couples discovered that those who said they were fulfilled sexually had sex on average 2.5 times a week. So that’s something to think about (especially how you can get that 0.5 every week).

According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, defined as making love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it is definitely one of the best ways to maintain intimacy.

Okay, now let’s look at the list of 8 reasons your husband won’t have sex with you ;  

1.      No Man Wants To Have Sex With His Mom.   This is all about respect. No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him.  If you are always on him, critiquing and complaining about what he does or doesn’t do, then he’d probably rather have sex with himself because he knows you aren’t satisfied with his performance in the bedroom, either. There’s a lot more where that came from.

2.      He Doesn’t Feel Wanted. Men want to be wanted. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only, 66% of men said it is very important that they feel wanted by their spouse. Getting sex wasn’t enough by itself – just like wives want to be wanted, husbands also want to be wanted. Your desire for him is a huge foundation that helps him have confidence in his daily life.  I also talked about this in the last post a bit, the games couples play with sex about who initiated last time and all that. If there have been times before in your marriage where you have turned  him down, then he  just might not have the guts to initiate sex  out of fear of rejection. I mentioned this last week and said that this was his issue and he needs to lead, but hopefully this helps you understand why he is not wanting  sex and it could be he doesn’t want  to get rejected again.

3.      He’s Dealing With Medical Issues or Depression. It’s very possible your husband has some kind of medical issue or depression  that he just doesn’t want to deal with.  We men ….. we tend to be pretty  terrible about acknowledging our weaknesses, even when they’re affecting us and making us lose our appetite for sex. As some of you know, I was sick for months this past year. One of the medicines I decided to take (out of the several that were prescribed) knocked me out  at nighttime and left me barely able to wake up in the morning. I noticed  that if I took this pill before bed,  I had no desire for sex and couldn’t  even  get it up. Yeah. My wife actually laughed when this happened and then I grabbed the bottle from the bathroom and showed her that was a side effect of the medicine. That was the last day on that medicine. Anyway, there are several different issues your husband could be dealing with medically that effect his sex life and drive. It might be time  for a trip to the doctor.

4. Flannel Pajamas Suck. Let’s just be honest ; guys are visual and if you aren’t putting any effort into what you look like and making the bedroom an incredible place to be,  then he  might not be turned on. Life happens – aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain – you’re not going to look the way you did when you two first met. Fortunately, the deeper we love someone, the less importance we place on the exterior and the more we focus on the interior. That said : It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a  night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. My friend Shaunti and I are writing a book called Visual, talking about the visual nature of men, and she mentions men’s “visual rolodex” (or to update it : “visual hard drive”) in her book For Women Only. Wives should be the default image on their husband’s visual hard drive, so make a commitment to take care of yourself as best as you can – maybe you’ll inspire your husband and the two of you can work together  to get a healthier lifestyle – both physically and emotionally – and make yourselves visually exciting for each other.  

(71.3% of men in the U.S. are obese or overweight compared to 68% of women. So, guys you got to work on this even more then your wives)

It will pay off big-time when you’re naked in bed with the lights on.

5. You Pay More Attention To Facebook than to Him.  Maybe this is just me, but it seems like most men I know are done  with Facebook.  If it isn’t Facebook, it will be something else next week but come on, already. The comments, the posts the likes, the shares …. put the damn thing down for a bit and connect with the person in your bed.  Words with Friends, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and all these other things have crept into our bedrooms and become a distraction. Now, guys are not immune to this problem – in my house it’s ESPN and my “girlfriend” (my wife’s nickname for my laptop), so make an  agreement that,  after the kids  go to bed, you put everything away and try and connect with each other.

6. He’s Getting it Somewhere Else. Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less. If you aren’t having sex anywhere close to this frequency, then  I would  have to wonder where else he is getting it – either through an affair or through porn. Don’t go  hiring someone from the television show Cheaters just yet, but do have a frank discussion with him about the possibility. Most guys or gals will lie when confronted as well, so these are not just easy conversations to ask once and just accept it and move on. Dive into this and get to a place of honesty — and don’t be afraid to enlist a trusted counselor for help if you need it. (And if it’s porn, we can help. Here are some resources you can check out to point him to that help.

7. His Walls Are Up.  In the same way that wives can put up walls, so can husbands. While men tend to be fairly good at compartmentalizing their needs. It’s still possible for an issue to build up to the point where  it creates a wall. It can be a major issue in your relationship or just in your personal life that affects the two of you relationally, spiritually, or physically.  It could be your own depression or physical health, or a change in character that has him wondering what’s going on. Whatever it is, look for signals to talk about it, then run toward that conflict and deal with it. It may be hard, but it’s worth it. Talk. Listen. Then listen some more. Own up to anything you might need to take responsibility for, and remember you’re in this together.

8.  He’s English and Prefers Gardening to Sex

I hope this helps.  I really hate to see married folks not having sex – even terrible sex is better than no sex. And if your sex is terrible, that just means you get to practice  more.

Marriage does not mean that the woman is all time ready, willing and consenting (for establishing physical relations)

Woman is ready for sex but Man is not ready —– does it amount to cruelty 

Unilateral decision or refusal to have intercourse for a considerable period without there  being any physical incapacity or valid reason may  amount to mental cruelty ( Held by Hon’ble Supreme Court of India on an appeal against the orders passed by the Hon’ble Madras High Court)

CONJUGAL RIGHTS ALSO INCLUDES

1.      Kissing

2.      Being kissed

3.      Being listened to    

4.      Being cared for

5.      Being financially independent

6.      Being satisfied.

7.      Being accepted for who you’re

8.      Making yourself proud

9.      Making your loved ones proud        

10.    Confessing to someone something without being judged for it

11.    Getting money from relatives

12.    Marrying someone you love  

13.    Having a 3 am best friend

14.    Breathing in fresh air

15.    Eating maa ke haath ka khaana (food prepared by mom)  

16.    Stealing your sibling’s stuffs

17.    Talking to your crush with your heart pumping at its loudest       

18.    Being able to support your parents when they need you

19.    Speaking in passwords only your best friend understands  

20.    Sitting under a sky full of stars

21.    Listening to the rain drops crashing against your windows  

HOW THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE VIEWED

1.      Women worry about relationships, too. Many of my friends were served divorce papers from their husband who found younger  women and then refuse to pay child support or see their  kids.  It’s heart-breaking to see fathers acting so cold to their own children and choose to go jobless to avoid child  support.

2.      Many of my generation say marriage is outdated and have no value  because women don’t act like women used to and men don’t act  like they should.  

3.      Men no longer need to court a woman to get in her pants and  women no longer have to act like they don’t like sex or want it. Women are free to be sexually open finally without shame or  horror. Women and men  are more open to having sex outswide of relationships or marriage.  

4.      Too many choices, Relationships are rough. Everybody has this idea of how their partner should be like and nobody really can match the image.  However, if you feel disappointed in your recent partner, you can go to Tinder and find another one. You don’t need to work on the relationship because there are so many people searching for love.

5.      A lack of communication, I went out to a restaurant yesterday and looked at all tables around me. Out of ten tables, eight had occupants that were glued to their phone. The only communication  would be only to share a post. No relationship can last if there is no  communication.  

6.      Instagram. Perfect videos and pictures of cute couples doing amazing things while you and your lover are sitting on the couch in pjs and eating pizza. These `perfect couples’ make people second-guess their relationship. After all, he could find somebody younger  and thinner and she could find a rich guy with a six pack who is  always  showering  her in gifts.

7.      Feminists and misogyny. Men who think women should stay at home popping out kids and keeping them fed and his house clean and get mad when she wants to work or doesn’t want to be a housewife and refuse to help. Feminists who feel like they shouldn’t do any housework because of girl power. No, regardless of sex, both partners should work together to have a clean house. Both  should raise children. Both should be adults and do what has to be done.

8.      Edit : some people have tried to replace feminists with misogyny.  I think both are equally toxic. I consider myself a feminist but I don’t count myself as a feminist of today.  I want men to be equal but I don’t think men owe us anything because of my sex. If I’m going to get a job, I want it to be because of my value not to fill a quota. Women and men do have some different skills.  At  the same time, a misogynist is equally  harmful.

                                      Well perhaps we should start by asking what is your definition of marriage ? As a matter of fact, we are living in a “me, myself and I society” and that is not going to change any time soon.  In addition, a lot of people go into a marriage with a “what can I get” mentality. A lot of unfortunate  souls aim to maximize at the  expense of someone else, ir-regardless of gender, both carry an egoistic attitude. People have gotten lazy, simply because its easier to type and sit at home than to talk.    

Choices you have

1.      Masturbation is a choice, not a compulsion.

2.      It’s okay if you watch porn.

3.      It’s okay to be hairy.  Waxing is a choice. Not a compulsion.

4.      It’s okay to pay the entire amount in coins or pennies.

5.      It’s okay  if you’re not photogenic.  

6.      It’s okay if you prefer Indian cinemas over Hollywood ones.

7.      It’s okay if you haven’t watched Harry Potter,  GoT or Sacred Games.

8.      It’s okay  if you’ve only read books authored by Chetan Bhagat.

9.      It’s absolutely fine to be homosexual.  

10.    It’s absolutely okay if you’re bisexual.

11.    It’s  okay to not post statuses/ stories on Facebook, Instagram or  Snapchat.

12.    And It’s okay if you do point number 11. : )

13.    It’s okay if you’re a night owl.  You needn’t explain people what you do late at night.

14.    It’s okay to not hit the gym.  

15.    You don’t have to be ashamed if depression once hit you.

16.    It’s okay to consult a psychiatrist.

17.    It’s okay if you wear braces.

18.    It’s okay if you don’t  own skull candy earphones.

19.    It’s okay if you’re still a virgin.        

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